the post i swore i'd never write (on singleness).

No. You're not gonna do it. Stop writing. Right now.

These are the pleasant thoughts swirling around in my head as I type this post. I kind of made a pact with myself at the beginning of this blog that I wouldn't post about singleness. In all honesty, I know these are just my own perceptions, assumptions and awkward tendencies getting the best of me, but I feel like if I'm going to write a post about why I love being single, I'll automatically fall into the category of That Guy that is only writing about this so-called wonderful 'gift' to try and cover up the fact that he doesn't actually enjoy singleness and is desperately just trying to prove how secure and mature he is to a girl.

But in light of my more recent post on platonic, cross-sex friendships (which I'd strongly advise you read first), I think a post on singleness is due. So bear with me. And if you do end up lumping me into the That Guy category, at least I will have given you fair warning.

I think it'd be best to start off by talking about friendships. In my own life (and everyone's life is different, so this is in no way a blanket statement about how everyone's lives should be), my closest circle of friends includes both men and women - I try to practice authenticity and vulnerability in all of my relationships, regardless of gender. I don't have my 'group of bros' or a close circle of only male friends. Call me crazy, but for me, it works pretty well. I wouldn't want it any other way.

I make it one of my all-time life goals to see people as people first. Not as men first, not as women first, not as gay or straight or any other factors that can lead us to cardboard assumptions first, but as living, breathing, image-of-God human beings first. I don't deny those other aspects of people, but in striving to see them as image bearers first, it lets us start off on the basis of our similarities, which can then help us understand and better grasp our differences. In my own experience, at least, it's just too easy to push people away right off the bat, not based on their actual hearts, but on cultural, societal and religious expectations for different groups of people to act in specific ways.

Because of this mindset shift, I am able to cross the typical walls often constructed between the genders when it comes to friendships. It is a road I walk with care, and one that has still led to its fair share of romantic attractions that were not always reciprocated (read more about that here). But you want to know something else? We moved on. Because of the preexisting vulnerability established in our friendships, we already had our hearts laid out on the table. We picked up the pieces and moved forward, inch by fragile inch, holding each other up along the way when we started bleeding again or began to feel uncomfortable.

Not everyone can do this, I'm realizing. There are a lot of guys I know that have a close circle of male friends, with their only close female friend being their girlfriend/wife (or vice versa). There is nothing wrong with this. It is one approach to doing life that can be extremely healthy for different types of people. I just don't happen to be one of them. I also know that there are some romantic relationships out there with incredible levels of trust, where each partner is still able to foster deep relationships with the opposite sex outside of their romantic relationship. In other words, I'm not saying it isn't possible for me to wind up with a girlfriend and still maintain my previously standing friendships.

But I'm happy - no, I'm downright joyful where I am, and I'm not one to take joy lightly. For joy comes from God, and I don't think he'd fill me with such an awe-inspiring, force-to-be-reckoned-with feeling about my singleness if he wasn't pleased with it himself. No matter what some pastors have told me, I am not single because I am lazy. I am not single because I am gay. I am not single because I am scared of commitment, nor am I single because I am not a man (though, let's be honest... I am not a man).

I am single because I believe it is where God has brought me to most effectively minister to others, to love people as He first loved us, and in doing so, spread his Way of Life and Love and Joy and Peace to the farthest depths that these open arms will reach. Others do this best in marriage, another strikingly radiant way to walk in Love. In my interpretation, at least, both celibacy and marriage are continually celebrated throughout Scripture as beautiful-gorgeous-paradigms, with different aspects of beauty to light up various parts of the heart and life through each.

I love what Glennon Doyle Melton has to say on celibacy. The following quote is actually taken from a much longer post on homosexuality, which you definitely need to read here. It's brilliant, and even though her conclusions are rather controversial, the way she draws celibacy into her argument is nothing short of stunning. She says,

But my understanding is that celibacy is a sacred calling, not a hiding place or a consequence. Celibacy is like... it's like we all have the same capacity to love inside of us, the same amount of light to shine... and most of us use that light, that love, like a laser... it's all concentrated and focused on one partner. But the celibate hears a call to use his light, his love, more like a flood light. He knows that if he's not required to shine a laser on one person, that his light can be dispersed to many more... maybe not burning a hole into another heart, but lighting up entire rooms. He can reach more people with his love through celibacy because it's not all focused on one person.

A laser versus a floodlight. Both of them equally valuable, with equal amounts of light to shine, just expressed in different ways. I love that, I absolutely love that. Every sermon I've heard on marriage and singleness, every commentary I've read on Ephesians 5 - none of them have summed it up so clearly than that one paragraph.

I think it's what Paul's trying to say through all of his but the unmarried man is concerned and but the married woman is concerned dilemmas in 1 Corinthians 7. I think it's what Jesus lived out fully and perfectly in his time on Earth - a radiant floodlight life that stretched out to everyone, telling all to come, you are welcome at the table. It's what Priscilla and Apollos lived out through the laser love connecting their hearts and bursting out to reflect the glory of He who is All.

It's what I see now whenever I look at the Bible, just this gloriously blinding light that hits me in different spots with its pointed lasers and sweeping floodlights that all somehow manage to whisper God's name and display His grace for me to see and breathe and feel, swim in.

I am not saying that I've committed myself to lifelong celibacy. I am twenty years old; cut me some slack. I have not kissed dating goodbye, nor do I plan on doing so anytime in the near future. I am not denying God's mysterious ability to put surprises in our paths right when we least expect them. But I'm also not going to complain about where I am now, because I'm pretty damn happy joyful, soaking up the rich Love that I'm walking in. I'm not going to run away and I'm not going to fight if you don't agree with me. I'm going to walk forward with God, my floodlight heart and anyone else who wants to be a part of this journey, trying to illuminate whatever darkness we see in the world.

Come with me, lasers, floodlights, lightbulbs, flashlights - whichever metaphor you care to use - come with me and shine. Watch as we're transformed from one degree of glory to another, and I think it may just take your breath away.

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YELLOWTREE UPDATE:

I just wanted to let everyone know that I successfully finished Draft 3 of the manuscript several nights ago. I have taken it down about 20,000 words, so it's currently sitting at around 100,000 words, which is exactly where I want it. Draft 4 will involve less big picture edits and more detail-oriented revisions, mainly with sentence structure and diction. So there you go. I'll continue to keep you posted as I make progress.

a taste of the banquet: disability and the gospel (guest post by mitch bankes).

Mitch/Dad and his wife, Deb/Mom, who pastors the
disability ministry alongside of him.

I'm so excited to announce my first guest writer on this blog, the one and only Mitch Bankes!

Mitch has served as the pastor of Disability Ministry at New Hope Church for three years now. Mitch did not have any experience in disability ministry before accepting the position at New Hope, and it's been exciting watching him grow and learn throughout the process.

He just so happens to also be my dad (read my Father's Day post here).

I am inspired by the way he sees people as full and rich image bearers of Christ, and the humility with which he interacts with them. The post he wrote down below was actually taken from one of his sermons entitled, "A Taste of the Banquet." Give it a read! And I'd highly recommend watching the full length Youtube video beforehand.

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My wife, Deb, and I had the privilege of seeing Krista Horning live when she gave this testimony (watch video before going any further) last November at a Desiring God conference called: ‘God’s Good Design In Disability.’ When she was done sharing her heart, I remember thinking to myself: This is 1 Corinthians 12 in action, where God has arranged all the parts of the body just as he wants them to be. The parts of the body that seem weaker are indispensable, the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. And I thought, where else could Krista go to find purpose and meaning in her life? Where else could she go to find hope and grace? Where else could she go to find love and belonging than in the body of Christ?

It was a beautiful and moving image of the church that I had created in my Pollyanna mind, but the truth is, if you step inside most churches today you’ll notice that men and women who live with a disability have indeed found somewhere else to go. Scratch just beneath the surface and you’ll discover that the disability community is mostly absent from the body of Christ. Think about the weightiness of that statement for a moment. Let it really sink into your heart and mind. The people that Jesus very often spent time with—those impacted by a disability of some sort—are mostly absent from the body of Christ today.

In his challenging book, ‘Disability & The Gospel,’ Michael Beates writes: 

The problem is that Christian people generally have an inadequate understanding of God’s role in disabilities. This lack of understanding leads to closed doors for people with disabilities even after the handicapped spaces are painted in the parking lot, dipped curbs are cut, and ramps are built to the front entrance of the church. But the more vital problem is that the Christian community generally tends to keep people with disabilities marginalized in the church (19).

And I have to be honest…that was my story before God called me into disability ministry almost four years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t against people who live with a disability, I just didn’t think that much about them. For the most part, the disability community was invisible to me because they didn't look like the people I hung around with, they didn’t act like the people I hung around with, they didn’t talk like the people I hung around with. So my response was to look past them, walk by them, ignore them, feel sorry for them, or pity them. The truth is, I was pushing them to the margins of society and even more so to the margins of the church.

But then again, with over 650 million people living with a disability throughout the world and yet very few of them ever going to a church, maybe I’m not the only one who's ever done that. Maybe we all have a little bit more to learn about the parts of the body that seem weaker to us and yet God says are indispensable.

Because the truth is, if we continue turning our backs and washing our hands of reaching, serving, loving and including the disability community in the body of Christ, we leave them in the hands of the world. A world that often discriminates, exploits, abuses and aborts them. A world that sees them as nothing but a mistake or problem that needs to be eliminated.

Jesus tells a story in Luke 14:16-24 that should help to form our thoughts on disability. 

A certain man was preparing a great banquet and invited many guests. At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited, "Come, for everything is now ready." But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said, "I have just bought a field, and I must go and see it. Please excuse me." Another said, "I have just bought five yoke of oxen, and I’m on my way to try them out. Please excuse me." Still another said, "I just got married, so I can’t come." The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, "Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame." "Sir," the servant said, "what you ordered has been done, but there is still room." Then the master told his servant, "Go out to the roads and country lanes and compel them to come in, so that my house will be full. I tell you, not one of those who were invited will get a taste of my banquet."

You may not know it, but this parable in Luke 14 is one that the Christian disability community has really gravitated to and taken a hold of. Because when they read it or listen to it they can't help but feel the deep compassion that Christ has for them and they know that Jesus is someone who's willing to stand up and fight for them. And for a group of people who have to fight for just about everything in their lives, these words must feel like a soothing balm to help heal the years of hurt, pain and loneliness. Imagine what it must feel like for the blind, the lame, or the crippled to hear Jesus say those beautiful words: there's room at the table for you...come in so that my house will be full!

And so Jesus tells his church to GO. Go out to the roads, the country lanes, the highways and byways, the cities and towns—look in every house, every room and on every floor and compel the disability community to come in and find life in Jesus Christ. Compel them. Urge them. Don't take no for an answer. Be firm in your resolve. Do whatever it takes to have them seated at your table so they can have a taste of the banquet just like you do.

Friends, the church must begin to do whatever it can to let the disability community know that there is plenty of room for them in the body of Christ. Not out of pity. Not out of guilt. Not out of shame. Not out of sympathy. But simply because the church is stronger and more like Christ when the disability community is part of the body.

I know it’s not easy. Rarely is it popular. And often it can get a little messy. But Jesus says to his followers: Compel them to come in. Compel them with the Gospel. Compel them with your smile. Compel them with your love. Compel them with belonging. Compel them with your warmth. Compel them with your friendship. Compel them to come in so my house will be full and His Church will be more complete!

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Along with pastoring the Disability Ministry, Mitch works as full time tech support for Volunteers of America. In years past, Mitch has served as the senior pastor of Venture Christian Church and the youth pastor of New Brighton Christian Church.