I am so incredibly excited to introduce Jamie Miller to my blog! Jamie is a grammatical genius, hardcore editor of my novel, trained emergency medical responder, and Natural Resource Management major. A rebel against stereotypes and society’s expectations, she is one of my closest friends who is literally one of the bravest and strongest people I know. We met through working at camp together for five summers in a row, and I asked her to write a guest post in light of my previous posts on singleness and marriage – this one focused on dating. Jamie has been dating Jason for well over a year now, and has some beautiful things to say from the heart. She is a radical follower of Jesus who works out her faith with fear and trembling. Read her words and be inspired – I know I was. ---
You are reading my words here on Anthony’s blog because he requested a guest angle from someone in a dating relationship, so it would be easy to assume that I have assembled a list of relationship advice for you newbies out there. Try not to assume.
Ready? News flash! No one can tell you what’s best for your relationship, the exact qualities and habits you should look for in a significant other, how the timing of milestones should play out, or how best to communicate with your romantic partner. There are a lot of helpful and edifying resources out there to help with communication skills, keep you out of trouble, and suggest fun things to do together. But here’s a thing Jason has helped me to recognize: just like every person’s life is their own experiment, so are their significant relationships. We’re all just making it up as we go along! (that’s the secret to adulthood, by the way)
I would temper that statement by acknowledging the wisdom of those who have tread this path before us. Our lives are vastly improved when we let people we respect and trust speak into them. For example, people who have been married for years have a pretty good grasp of how to listen to one another and work as a team, and it would be foolish to disregard their advice for the sake of figuring out dating on our own terms. It’s also important to factor in the opinions of those who loved you first when making a decision to be with someone, since they know you best.
That said, I stand by this statement in relation to all healthy romantic relationships: anything anyone says to you about how to run your relationship is *advice*, not the hard-and-fast rule. Because every one of us is different. You can’t put the All-Important Romantic Relationship up on a cardboard pedestal, expecting it to work exactly the same way for the whole spectrum of rainbow-watercolor-people (can you tell I’ve been following Anthony’s blog??).
Now, being the Singles Power (!!) advocate that I am (I could write another entire post all about the benefits of embracing singleness as a Christian), I can’t help but take a moment here to try adjusting that pedestal a bit for you. Although I’ve been in a rather serious romantic relationship for over a year now (and I recognize that’s not very long in the grand scheme of things), I still believe that friendship—done right—can be the best kind of relationship of which humans are capable. There are a lot of things that complicate romantic relationships that simply aren’t an issue even in the most deep, committed, loving friendships. And, while I’m open to talking about it, I am pretty certain that people can find the same kind of fulfillment and lifelong joy in a dear friend as they might find in a husband or wife.
Where were we? Ah, yes, Romance.
I believe that the best romantic relationships are built on friendship. No, I’m not saying that you should always be best friends first. (Sorry, those of you who think best friends falling in love is *the* most romantic thing on the planet. It’s not.) What I am saying is that I believe that the foundation of any kind of love is true friendship, whether you strike that up in the very beginning or if it is formed over time. It’s integral to relating to others in a loving way. Friendship is evidence of your decision to love another person regardless of how much you do or don’t like them at the moment.
When it comes down to it, you have to make your own rules. Some of the ones I’ve found to work with Jason and I are as follows (I refuse to use bullet-point formatting, so that I can continue to refute your assumptions): Talk about the awkward things. Don’t be afraid to bring up uncomfortable topics—often, that’s what you need to move deeper. Friends are important!! Recognize each other’s strengths and weaknesses, reacting accordingly—good teamwork matters more than fitting gender roles or expectations. Always take into consideration the comfort level of others when the two of you are together, so that they feel welcomed into the space you’re all sharing. Love languages matter. Be honest (always, and about everything). Don’t hesitate to have conversations about God with each other, or about each other with God.
And while you’re doing all this talking and figuring-out-of-life together, be prepared for misunderstandings. Something I learned during my years of working at camp is to always extend the benefit of the doubt. Try to figure out what the other person really means before flying off the handle—you are two completely unique individuals, after all, so it only makes sense that you may think or communicate in different ways.
There are some other aspects of living and loving that we’ve figured out together, but I’m not going to share them, because any time someone tries to give you specific advice—kiss after x number of weeks, set up a coffee date every Saturday, always buy her flowers, Netflix dates don’t count (they totally do!)—take it with a grain of salt. It’s probably what worked for the advice-giver, but don’t let it pressure you: it doesn’t necessarily apply to your unique identities, and the way you operate together. Do your best to love one another, follow Jesus, and find a healthy balance between work/school/friends/alone time/sleep/whatever else it is you do with your time.
Oh, and ladies: your man is not the boss of you.
Peace, JM.
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