the post i swore i'd never write (on singleness).

No. You're not gonna do it. Stop writing. Right now.

These are the pleasant thoughts swirling around in my head as I type this post. I kind of made a pact with myself at the beginning of this blog that I wouldn't post about singleness. In all honesty, I know these are just my own perceptions, assumptions and awkward tendencies getting the best of me, but I feel like if I'm going to write a post about why I love being single, I'll automatically fall into the category of That Guy that is only writing about this so-called wonderful 'gift' to try and cover up the fact that he doesn't actually enjoy singleness and is desperately just trying to prove how secure and mature he is to a girl.

But in light of my more recent post on platonic, cross-sex friendships (which I'd strongly advise you read first), I think a post on singleness is due. So bear with me. And if you do end up lumping me into the That Guy category, at least I will have given you fair warning.

I think it'd be best to start off by talking about friendships. In my own life (and everyone's life is different, so this is in no way a blanket statement about how everyone's lives should be), my closest circle of friends includes both men and women - I try to practice authenticity and vulnerability in all of my relationships, regardless of gender. I don't have my 'group of bros' or a close circle of only male friends. Call me crazy, but for me, it works pretty well. I wouldn't want it any other way.

I make it one of my all-time life goals to see people as people first. Not as men first, not as women first, not as gay or straight or any other factors that can lead us to cardboard assumptions first, but as living, breathing, image-of-God human beings first. I don't deny those other aspects of people, but in striving to see them as image bearers first, it lets us start off on the basis of our similarities, which can then help us understand and better grasp our differences. In my own experience, at least, it's just too easy to push people away right off the bat, not based on their actual hearts, but on cultural, societal and religious expectations for different groups of people to act in specific ways.

Because of this mindset shift, I am able to cross the typical walls often constructed between the genders when it comes to friendships. It is a road I walk with care, and one that has still led to its fair share of romantic attractions that were not always reciprocated (read more about that here). But you want to know something else? We moved on. Because of the preexisting vulnerability established in our friendships, we already had our hearts laid out on the table. We picked up the pieces and moved forward, inch by fragile inch, holding each other up along the way when we started bleeding again or began to feel uncomfortable.

Not everyone can do this, I'm realizing. There are a lot of guys I know that have a close circle of male friends, with their only close female friend being their girlfriend/wife (or vice versa). There is nothing wrong with this. It is one approach to doing life that can be extremely healthy for different types of people. I just don't happen to be one of them. I also know that there are some romantic relationships out there with incredible levels of trust, where each partner is still able to foster deep relationships with the opposite sex outside of their romantic relationship. In other words, I'm not saying it isn't possible for me to wind up with a girlfriend and still maintain my previously standing friendships.

But I'm happy - no, I'm downright joyful where I am, and I'm not one to take joy lightly. For joy comes from God, and I don't think he'd fill me with such an awe-inspiring, force-to-be-reckoned-with feeling about my singleness if he wasn't pleased with it himself. No matter what some pastors have told me, I am not single because I am lazy. I am not single because I am gay. I am not single because I am scared of commitment, nor am I single because I am not a man (though, let's be honest... I am not a man).

I am single because I believe it is where God has brought me to most effectively minister to others, to love people as He first loved us, and in doing so, spread his Way of Life and Love and Joy and Peace to the farthest depths that these open arms will reach. Others do this best in marriage, another strikingly radiant way to walk in Love. In my interpretation, at least, both celibacy and marriage are continually celebrated throughout Scripture as beautiful-gorgeous-paradigms, with different aspects of beauty to light up various parts of the heart and life through each.

I love what Glennon Doyle Melton has to say on celibacy. The following quote is actually taken from a much longer post on homosexuality, which you definitely need to read here. It's brilliant, and even though her conclusions are rather controversial, the way she draws celibacy into her argument is nothing short of stunning. She says,

But my understanding is that celibacy is a sacred calling, not a hiding place or a consequence. Celibacy is like... it's like we all have the same capacity to love inside of us, the same amount of light to shine... and most of us use that light, that love, like a laser... it's all concentrated and focused on one partner. But the celibate hears a call to use his light, his love, more like a flood light. He knows that if he's not required to shine a laser on one person, that his light can be dispersed to many more... maybe not burning a hole into another heart, but lighting up entire rooms. He can reach more people with his love through celibacy because it's not all focused on one person.

A laser versus a floodlight. Both of them equally valuable, with equal amounts of light to shine, just expressed in different ways. I love that, I absolutely love that. Every sermon I've heard on marriage and singleness, every commentary I've read on Ephesians 5 - none of them have summed it up so clearly than that one paragraph.

I think it's what Paul's trying to say through all of his but the unmarried man is concerned and but the married woman is concerned dilemmas in 1 Corinthians 7. I think it's what Jesus lived out fully and perfectly in his time on Earth - a radiant floodlight life that stretched out to everyone, telling all to come, you are welcome at the table. It's what Priscilla and Apollos lived out through the laser love connecting their hearts and bursting out to reflect the glory of He who is All.

It's what I see now whenever I look at the Bible, just this gloriously blinding light that hits me in different spots with its pointed lasers and sweeping floodlights that all somehow manage to whisper God's name and display His grace for me to see and breathe and feel, swim in.

I am not saying that I've committed myself to lifelong celibacy. I am twenty years old; cut me some slack. I have not kissed dating goodbye, nor do I plan on doing so anytime in the near future. I am not denying God's mysterious ability to put surprises in our paths right when we least expect them. But I'm also not going to complain about where I am now, because I'm pretty damn happy joyful, soaking up the rich Love that I'm walking in. I'm not going to run away and I'm not going to fight if you don't agree with me. I'm going to walk forward with God, my floodlight heart and anyone else who wants to be a part of this journey, trying to illuminate whatever darkness we see in the world.

Come with me, lasers, floodlights, lightbulbs, flashlights - whichever metaphor you care to use - come with me and shine. Watch as we're transformed from one degree of glory to another, and I think it may just take your breath away.

---

YELLOWTREE UPDATE:

I just wanted to let everyone know that I successfully finished Draft 3 of the manuscript several nights ago. I have taken it down about 20,000 words, so it's currently sitting at around 100,000 words, which is exactly where I want it. Draft 4 will involve less big picture edits and more detail-oriented revisions, mainly with sentence structure and diction. So there you go. I'll continue to keep you posted as I make progress.