struggling to find a spark.

I've been telling myself to write another blog post for a few weeks now, and neither the words or motivation have been coming. Which is a pretty pathetic excuse for a writer, I know. Sometimes, one just has to suck it up and put the words down on paper no matter how difficult it is.

But lately, I've been feeling incredibly drained and exhausted simply at the thought of writing another blog post. It seems so much more overwhelming than it should be. And that's not exactly the feeling I went into the Advent season expecting to have. I had such high hopes. I was gonna write a post on Advent every week! And there was going to be consistent quality content on my blog and it would be AWESOME.

And then week one passed and apparently took my energy and motivation along with it. Even sitting down to revise Yellowtree has felt like a chore, sucking the life out of me versus filling me with life like it normally does

And I don't quite know why that is. I'm still showing up, and I'm still trying my best to write my book each day.

Some days there's a flame.

Most days I struggle to even find a spark.

And I'm learning to be okay with that, to accept the more sludgy seasons of life without falling prey to them and the lies they often get me to believe about myself and my writing.

I am good enough. My book is good enough. And writing IS worth it.

Anddd repeat.

I've decided to take a bit of a breather for the rest of Advent. I'm backing off from the blog and trying to make it through several pages of Yellowtree each day without getting worn down. I'm waiting and praying and seeking Jesus in the little things and the small spaces, because lately, it's been awfully hard to find him in the big places and experiences, the thick Study Bibles and church services that often seem to get even louder this time of year.

And somehow, someway, I'm learning that God is still there, even when the bright lights and the flashy MERRY CHRISTMAS signs have been stripped away and the season doesn't seem very holly or jolly anymore.

God is still Emmanuel. And He's still with us, even when it doesn't feel like it. Forever and Always.

Peace and love to you during this Advent season.

and yet: advent reflections, week one.

You welcome those who gladly do good,

Who follow godly ways.

But you have been very angry with us,

for we are not godly. 

We are constant sinners;

how can people like us be saved?

We are all infected and impure with sin.

When we display our righteous deeds,

they are nothing but filthy rags.

Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall,

and our sins sweep us away like the wind.

Yet no one calls on your name

or pleads with you for mercy.

Therefore, you have turned away from us

and turned us over to our sins.

And yet, O Lord, you are our Father.

We are the clay, and you are the potter.

We all are formed by your hand.

Don't be so angry with us, Lord.

Please don't remember our sins forever.

Look at us, we pray,

and see that we are all your people.

--Isaiah 64:5-9

I'm reading through the prophetic passages assigned each week for Advent this year, letting the words sink in and linger before choosing just one word to focus on for the day. The passage above is just a part of the prophecy for week one (which started this past Sunday, November 30, and goes through Wednesday, December 24).

After reading Christena Cleveland's beautiful post on Advent and darkness, I was filled with a renewed energy for this season like never before. Her words helped me see that the Christmas season is about so much more than the festive lights and the cheerful songs. There is so much darkness in the world, so much evil and injustice and brokenness, that we miss the whole point of Advent when we close our eyes and live in a little happy Christmas bubble for the month of December.

Jesus plunged straight down into the depths of the darkness, not to ignore it or pretend it didn't exist, but to bring it into the light. To bring salvation and justice to an unjust world and speak words of life and peace that surpass all understanding. To wash the wounds of the hurting and heal the scars of the broken. John 3:20 says that it is exactly because of this light that our sins are exposed.

I caught a glimpse of this darkness while reading the passage above several nights ago. The prophecy is filled with gloomy imagery to describe the sins of the people, their infections and impurities and filthy-rags-righteousness. The first time through, I threw my hands up in the air and had it out with God a bit.

"Well, okay God, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US? How can we ever please you? Do you really just see filthy rags when you look at us?"

I ended my first read through feeling like shit. I know, great way to start off Advent, right? Because it's not like the passage resolves everything in the end - it literally ends with the author questioning if God will continue to remain silent and punish them. Cheery stuff.

And then I read it again, this time slowing down to try and hear every word (I actually listened to this passage on audio, which helped a lot. I was able to sit back and close my eyes and really pay attention to each word).

And yet, O Lord, you are our Father.

And yet.

I know this is kinda lame in a passage filled with such vivid poetic prose, but it was the "and yet" that stuck out to me the most. "And yet" were the words I chose to focus on for the day.

To me, those words said it all. They painted a picture in my head of God stepping in for his people, of taking the time to bend down in the darkness, in the muck, in the lives of these self-professed constant sinners, and look them in the eyes.

I am still your Father.

You are still my children.

I still love you.

This short section of the passage reads like a desperate, child-like plea for help, for God to look on his children with favor and not remember their sins forever. They don't deny their own guilt - they expound in rather significant detail on how they're drowning in sin, knowing fully well that grace is the last thing they deserve.

And yet.

It struck me that Christmas is one of God's biggest AND YET moments, where he sent Christ straight down into our world plagued with darkness, in the least glamorous way possible, to proclaim the good news of AND YET to the people stuck in the hopelessness of the now.

My heart breaks at all of the pain in this world. And presently, there seems to be a lot of it.

There is so much grief, so much sadness, so much anger surrounding Ferguson, Missouri right now.

For Mike Brown.

For Eric Garner, as of most recently.

For Treyvon Martin and all of the black lives before him.

For Marissa Alexander.

I'm not here with answers or happily-ever-afters or solutions. More often than not, the injustice seems rather overwhelming.

AND YET.

I know we serve a God of justice, a God of Light.

AND YET.

I know we serve a God who reaffirms over and over again that he is still our father, and that everyone is his child. We serve a God who boldly declares that black lives matter. It's not just the protesters and the activists and the bloggers who say that.

The Gospel says that.

Yes, Advent is about the AND YET of the Gospel, the AND YET of Christ and his beautiful Light that is a beam of reconciliation and redemption, giving us a way forward in the darkness that plagues our world.

For systemic racial injustice, for the Ebola victims, for the ones sold into sex trafficking each and every day, for those experiencing homelessness, for the kidnapping of Nigerian girls, for all of the people without access to clean water...


So much darkness.


May we refuse to stay silent this Advent season. May we refuse to give up, to give in, to let the darkness blind us to the true reason for the season, the message behind Christ and his eagerly anticipated coming:

And yet. 

layers and links: volume five.

"No." by Austin Channing.

I do not know this Jesus who only died for my white brothers and sisters, but whose arms could not stretch wide enough for black bodies, and therefore Mike Brown had to die because his sin was just too much for Christ to bear. No. I don't know who this is. I don't know this God of a two tiered gospel. 

 "The Pain of the Watermelon Joke" by Jacqueline Woodson.

To know that we African-Americans came here enslaved to work until we died but didn't die, and instead grew up to become doctors and teachers, architects and presidents - how can these children not carry this history with them for those many moments when someone will attempt to make light of it, or want them to forget the depth and amazingness of their journey?

"Listening Well as a Person of Privilege: Solidarity First, Collaborative Problem-Solving Later" by Christena Cleveland.

If Christian privileged people aren't careful, their problem-solving heroics can easily dishonor the image of God in oppressed people. Most obviously, this occurs when privileged people bypass the crucial stage of "weep with those who weep" listening.

"Advent/Darkness" by Christena Cleveland.

Advent isn't a holiday party. It doesn't pressure us to conjure up a hopeful face, ring bells, and dismiss the foulest realities we face. Advent isn't about our best world, it's about our worst world. I think we eat the chocolate and put on the pageants because we don't want to face the worst.

"Advent: For the Ones Who Know Longing" by Sarah Bessey.

I'm learning to be okay with the sadness that rises, with the frustration of a broken world, with longings still unfulfilled, with the profound ache in my human heart for all things to be restored, to be redeemed, to be whole. I'm learning to turn towards a third way: the one that holds both the joy and the sorrow, the one that picks up a small stone to move the mountain in small acts of faithfulness. Advent is one small stone.

quick unlimited listening ears.

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." --James 1:19 

I've been mulling over this verse a lot lately in light of blogging, social media, and the online hemisphere in general.

I rather love the concept of blogging - I think it's a great way to come together as a community and learn to better listen to other people's opinions, stories, and ideas. And since blogging isn't limited to any one person, it's a great way for people to listen to people different from themselves, stories from the margins, voices that are usually silenced. Even though blogging is usually seen in a more casual light, I've learned SO MUCH from reading different blogs and letting their words sink in to my heart and my head, whether or not I agree with them. From my short time exploring the blogosphere, I truly believe it has not only challenged and expanded my line of thinking, but increased my capacity for love and truth and grace.

That being said, it hits me every so often how much power I have as a blogger. Literally, I can write whatever I want and post it for the whole world to see. Now, obviously, my platform isn't big enough to actually reach the whole world. But there are no limits to blogging, there are no parameters. Just a bunch of writers posting whatever they want to say about whatever topic they choose.

For all of its great benefits, blogging also makes it a whole lot easier to be quick to speak and slow to listen.

And in all honesty, that kind of scares me.

A few months ago, I took down my initial posting on sexuality and the church and replaced it with a new one. This happened after I had taken the time to slow down and listen, actually listen, to other voices and stories I had been ignoring up to that point. I had an urge to write about a popular topic that I kept hearing about, and so I jumped in headfirst without pausing to think about how I was being ignorant, naive, stereotypical or hurtful in the process. Thank God for Grace.

A similar thing happened recently after hearing Emma Watson's UN speech on gender equality. I absolutely loved her overarching message, and felt a real emotional connection with it, and had a sudden urge to scream my overwhelming praises RIGHT NOW THIS VERY INSTANT. And I still absolutely agree with a lot of her main points in the speech. But after letting my emotions and opinions simmer for a bit, I opened up my mind to reading other people's opinions, reactions and stories to the speech, coming across a lot of little details I had missed in my initial frantic desire to speak now and listen later. I ended up updating that same blog post after having time to re-collect my thoughts. Thank God for Grace.

Now, I'm not saying that no one can have an opinion, or that every blog post must fall in line with what everyone else is saying. Part of the beauty of blogging is being able to tell your story and state your opinion for others to see. It's a very vulnerable thing to do.

But I like to think about whatever I'm blogging about as a face-to-face conversation with someone else. If I sit down for coffee with a friend to talk with them about whatever blog post I'm currently writing - what would I say? Better yet, how would I say it? Would I yell my opinions at the top of my lungs and leave no room for my friend to speak or interject or ask questions? Hopefully  not.

I like to think of blogging as more of a conversation, versus a speech. I like to blog as if I'm interacting and talking with people, versus talking at them.

Rachel Held Evans does a fantastic job of this with her "Ask A..." series. In it, she offers up the platform to a variety of different people, some of whom she heavily disagrees with, and lets her readers ask them whatever questions they have about a certain topic. Due to the incredible diversity of her blog's readership, she acknowledges on her Facebook page,

"Sometimes that diversity leads to conflict. That's okay. Let's press on with as much grace for one another as we can muster, while still holding our positions with conviction and our stories with loving care."

This is what I'm talking about. It's not about watering down our views or agreeing with every single person we meet. It's about being able to actively engage with and listen to others, not because we agree or disagree with them, but because as human beings and children of God, everyone has a voice and a story that deserves to be heard. And along the way, maybe slowing down to listen to them will help mold or grow our views as we take shaky steps down the path of Love and Truth and Grace.

My dear friend and excellent blogger, Shelby Ray, frequently writes posts to raise awareness of people experiencing homelessness. She is constantly coming back to the idea of listening to people and treating them as image bearers of God. In her latest post (which you should definitely go read and then re-read seventeen times), she says,

I work at a homeless shelter in South Minneapolis and on a regular basis I am encountering men and women who "have no voice," not because they cannot speak, but because no one has chosen to listen. I am interacting with downcast souls that are regularly being stripped of their humanity because they don't even have people to share their stories with... I get to be one less person to see them as a problem. I get to be one more person who interacts with them like a human being, with a mind and a story.

See what I mean? Quick to listen, slow to speak. I am continually inspired by Shelby and her great love for Jesus and people. Remember, it doesn't take much to listen. Only a willingness to stop talking for a bit and open our ears to what someone else is saying. And yet I think it's often easier to be quick to speak and slow to listen. Maybe that's why James felt the need to tell his brothers and sisters to "take note of this."

During my spring break trip last year, we kept circling back to this point as one of the first steps to engaging in racial reconciliation. Quick to listen, slow to speak.

One of the things I hear the most from gay people wounded by Christians and the church is the fact that no one wants to slow down and listen to their stories, only preach their beliefs (that they already know) at them. Quick to listen, slow to speak.

As Shelby mentioned above, it's about interacting with people as human beings, not problems. Quick to listen, slow to speak.

The truth is, I don't have all the answers. I rarely know what to say, let alone how to say it well. But listening doesn't require any words, fortunately. Just a little extra patience, sometimes.

Now, I still fully plan on holding my beliefs with conviction, and trying hard not to shy away from sharing those on the inside cardboard world. That's part of what blogging is all about, anyway.

But I'm also going to try hard to be careful, steadfast, and gracious on this journey, not taking advantage of the ease of blogging by charging forward and ignoring the voices of those around me. Quick to listen, slow to speak is now plastered on my computer desktop, so it's the first thing I see every time I sit down to write. I wrote the following paragraph last year for the "About Me" section of this blog, but I think it will serve as a perfect conclusion for this post.

Because the truth is, I can write and write and write on here until my fingers wear out and my eyes grow blurry from staring at the computer screen. But it doesn't mean a thing if it's not written in the context of community, surrounded by different voices and different people with a vast array of stories and quirks and favorite bands. This blog can't just be about me talking at you, but me talking with you. Let's create a dialogue and foster conversation. Don't be afraid to comment, to question, to like, to dislike, to be.

Quick to listen, slow to speak.

yellowtree: chapter one (updated).

I've been on such a roll writing and revising Yellowtree these past few days, I almost forgot that Tuesday is usually the day when I write a new blog post.

So, instead of throwing something sloppily together, I decided to update everyone on the new and revised chapter one of Yellowtree.

This chapter has been thrown through the ringer so many times, I'm convinced that nothing in it is stable, nothing is permanent. After all, the first chapter, the first scene, the first sentence is one of, if not the most crucial part of a novel. It carries the awfully heavy burden of spiking the reader's interest, pulling him or her in and keeping the pages turning, on to chapter two, scene two, sentence two.

All that to say, even though I've revised the crap out of chapter one, it is still very much a work-in-progress and open to feedback/critique/suggestions/advice. Writing often times look like one step forward followed by three steps back. And that's part of what makes it beautiful, you know? Slow, small inches to the finish line, whatever that finish line looks like.

Right now it's just a big hazy blur in the distance.

Check out chapter one here and let me know what you think, if you'd like.

roller-coaster tapestries: "st. vincent" movie review.

So, it's time for an embarrassing story from Anthony's past (actually, compared to other stories from my childhood, this one's rather mild).

Starting in middle school and continuing on through most of high school, I created a movie review website. I worked at a movie theater for two and a half years, which included the perk of going to movies for free. So, I figured that since I loved movies and I loved writing, it'd be pure gold to combine them and start writing movie reviews!

Looking back, most of my titles were incredibly corny, and my writing needed a lot of help, but hey, I guess it's all part of the learning and growing and living process, right? I stopped writing them when I stopped having time to see movies every weekend, but since I'm in a sentimental and nostalgic mood, I thought I'd take some time to review a phenomenal movie that came out this past weekend, and one that I believe deserves to be spotlighted.

Bill Murray stars in "St. Vincent" as the title character, a grouchy old man who lives by himself and spends way too much time drinking, smoking, and gambling at the horse races. Melissa McCarthy plays Maggie, a single mother trying to raise her young boy, Oliver (Jaeden Lieberher) as best as she can with a consistently time-consuming job. They move in next door to Vincent, and when push comes to shove at Maggie's job, she asks Vince to babysit Oliver each day after school.

From here on out, it's not the most unpredictable movie. Vince and Oliver start up an at first uneasy friendship that involves quite a bit of irresponsible decisions (mostly on Vincent's behalf), but also a whole lot of good. While it'd be incredibly easy for Oliver to push Vincent away after several encounters and label him as 'that mean old guy next door,' he doesn't, and he continues to push to see the light in Vincent's heart, the small, often subtle bits of kindness and care that slip out for those that pay attention.

So many critics have rolled their eyes at the film for its predictable storyline and the fact that Vincent eventually does tone down his rough edges and start showing kindness to others (in his gruff, unique sort of way). And yes, it's not that hard to predict where the movie will go from the opening scene. But here's the thing that did it for me - while the story itself may be predictable and cliche, the characters are not. Every single character in here is flawed and messy and struggling in different ways.

Vincent is terribly rude to almost everyone at first (not to mention his over indulgence in alcohol, smoking, and gambling). Maggie is just barely getting by after her divorce and a looming battle for custody with her ex on the horizon. Oliver faces bullying at school, and also the fact that not only is his dad now absent from his life, but his mom isn't much more present with her hectic work schedule. Naomi Watts plays a pregnant Russian prostitute named Daka who visits Vincent several times a week. Even she struggles to find her way, to make money, take care of a child and find something resembling 'home.' No one here starts out perfect, and no one here ends up perfect by the closing credits. These characters wrestle and struggle and fight with each other all the way through, but when push comes to shove (as it does several times throughout the film), it's striking to me how quickly this unlikely group of misfits bands together and works as a team to lift each other up.

My dad said it reminded him of the Church, or how the Church is supposed to be. For the body of Christ is more than just a weekly meeting in a building, but a tapestry of grace and love and kindness woven throughout the inner depths of people's lives. It's the every day things, the meals together and the late night talks, the rushed trips to the hospital and the giving of money when funds are tight. It's the trips together and the drives together, the screaming fights and the bursting-at-the-seams laughter that won't slow down.

"St. Vincent" portrays this kind of community in a raw, and so very human light, where the characters rarely have it all together, but continue to show up in each other's lives in spite of it all. I left the film feeling so encouraged, as it didn't pretend everyone was A-OK or fixed by the end credits, nor did it leave me with all of the answers. It left plenty of loose ends in the character's lives and hearts, much like real life, where growth isn't often an overnight or sudden flame, but a gradual, embers-like presence that expands slowly, with time. While these characters are so easy to judge and look down upon based on their actions and mistakes, "St. Vincent" is constantly tearing down our assumptions and stereotypes to show the good in everyone's hearts, the light that never fully gets covered up by the dark spots.

For as Oliver says toward the end of the film, even saints are human, too.

In light of my previous posts on showing up, this movie felt like the perfect one to spotlight on my blog, as it fits so well with the themes I've been discussing. Every single cast member delivers a knock-out performance that really got me to feel the character and his/her struggles. Melissa McCarthy gets a chance to break out of her typical comedy role as the serious and stressed Maggie, and Naomi Watts gets a chance to break out of her typical drama role as the comical and ridiculous Daka. Not to mention Jaeden Lieberher, who may be one of the finest child actors I've seen in a long time. This is Theodore Melfi's first time writing and directing a film, and he handles everything with gracefulness and poise, keeping the plot on enough of a roller-coaster that I never stayed sad or happy or laughing for too long.

This isn't a family film, as evidenced by the PG-13 rating. There is a fair amount of profanity, drinking, smoking, gambling and implied sex. Like I said, the characters are messy, and Melfi isn't afraid to show that. This is a gritty and raw comedy-drama, and while it's not for everyone, I couldn't recommend it enough. See it not only to laugh (which you will hopefully do), but to think and to pray and to struggle and to maybe even cry. This film is real, and it's powerful. 

But don't take my word for it. See it for yourself! And let me know what you think!

layers and links: volume four.

"Three Things I'd Tell Ben Three Years Ago, After He Came Out" by Benjamin Moberg.

"It sounds strange, but when you leave the faith, God's going to shuffle along behind you. Not that you'll notice Him. You'll be too busy averting your eyes from all things religious, plugging up your ears in every conversation about the faith."

To add my own note here, this may be the most beautiful blog post I've ever read. Ben writes with such searing honesty, it's like he's inviting us to feel his heart, both the pain and the joy he's experienced to make it where he is now. This is an unflinchingly honest piece of art, and one that is so true and so worth every second of your time.

"What Does It Mean To Be Black-ish?" by Christena Cleveland.

"Rather than acknowledging that the Johnsons represent an upwardly mobile group of black people who offer a Black Experience in White America narrative that differs from the stereotypical one, the showrunners for Black-ish have subtyped upwardly mobile black people, thus reinforcing the stereotypical narrative in America's consciousness."

"How Should We Define Masculinity? A Q&A with Charles Blow" by Jason Parham.

"Boys are constantly confronting this notion of failure because they cannot live up to the idea of people saying to them, Man up! Be a man! And they don't know what that is because they're just trying to be human. And being human is sometimes fragile. I believe we have to redraw our collective concept of what masculinity is so that it includes the possibility of difference and variation. And once we do that we free these kids up to be kids, and to be human beings."

"I Am Not Okay" by Grace Sandra.

"Are you okay?

They

see you cry.

They see you fall in a fast, steep crumble.

Are you okay?

There's so much to fear, so much to worry about.

They roll up their sleeves: what can be done?

Is it going to be okay?

Dunno, you say."

"Advice for Aspiring Young Writers [from an Aspiring Young Writer]" by Jackie Lea Sommers.

"Don't let yourself be paralyzed by fear of failure; I am telling you right now: you will fail. But keep showing up. Write a bad first draft, the worst one in the world. But then show up and write a better second draft. Show up again and write a better third draft. Repeat until you're satisfied with your work. Meanwhile, the people who never showed up might not have a first draft at all. They're still on the starting line, scared to put down a wrong word."

playing tug-o-war with ron swanson.

For those of you that watch "Parks and Recreation" (I'm a hugely unashamed fan), you're probably familiar with the following quote from one of the show's most memorable characters, Ron Swanson.

It's my personal theory that he'd hate my guts if we knew each other in real life (if solely for the reason that I'm not a big meat eater... oops). And while it's safe to say that I'm not a huge fan of his views on A LOT of things, the above quote came up during a recently watched episode ("Sweet Sixteen," (Season 4, Episode 16), for those of you that care to know).

And it hit me that it was a rather fitting quote for my year off of school.

There have always been glimmers of doubt that have crept into my heart since making my final decision to take the year off and work on finishing my novel (to read more about it, click here). Still, I'm convinced that it can't always be about feeling 100% at peace with a decision. I believe that sometimes, God leaves enough uncertainty and enough doubt in the mix to remind us that life isn't always about being safe, but about taking the risk and trust falling it anyway.

I'm more than convinced I could've stayed in school and worked on my book at the same time this year. It was a delicate dance I performed all of last year - juggling the back-and-forth rhythm of studying, testing and writing essays over writing Yellowtree and posting on this blog. At least, that's how it was supposed to go - school work before my 'writing-for-fun-hobby.' That's what I had to do - reduce writing to a mere hobby in a clumsy attempt to shove it down and ignore it.

Not surprisingly, it wasn't long before the truth came bursting through the seams, slipping past the worn down edges and corners I tried so hard to tie up and forget about. It came in short spurts of puzzle-piece-realizations, fitting together this idea that writing had unintentionally and unknowingly become so much more than a hobby. It's now a passion, a love, a full fleshed goal I long to work on and strive toward accomplishing.

It's funny, because I've had people ask me why I'm taking the year off when I'm so close to graduating. Wouldn't you rather get school over with and then focus on your writing? I think you should just stick it out for a couple more years.

Well, in a sense, yes. It's true that I have less than two years before I graduate. And it's true that it would be awfully nice to not have to worry about the logistics of going back to school after this year.

But in the end, it's precisely because I love school that I've chosen not to attend right now.

Because in all honesty, for the past year, I half-assed my way through both school and writing, rushing to study so I could have time to write, only to feel anxious and distracted during my writing time because of another test or paper or assignment due that night. A tug-o-war I was never able to win, just yanking at the cardboard rope with all my strength until I was sweaty and exhausted and didn't feel like doing much of anything anymore. It wore me down, then left me angry at myself, at school, at my book, at my professors for assigning so much homework, at my general lack of skills in the realm of time management, and so on and so forth. Both school and writing are two very life-giving things to me, and yet I ended this past year feeling more dead than alive.

Yellowtree is more than just 'writing-for-fun' for me. Yellowtree is a piece of my heart, a piece of my journey that I hope can encourage and inspire others where they're at in theirs. Writing it has been a healing process that has allowed me to confront some of my own inner demons and release them to the Light, drawing me into closer communion with Jesus and with others as a result.

This year off school is really about me trying, with wobbly steps and glimmers of doubt, to whole-ass writing my book, so I can dive back in next year and whole-ass my studies at school.

It's a way I've chosen to choose Love and Joy over anger and frustration.

It's a choice made out of respect for school and all the beautiful things it has to offer. I'm slowing down to learn with an open and eager heart, rather than rushing through the motions to get it over with and graduate.

There have been nights where I've questioned whether or not this was the right decision. There are times working on my book where I severely doubt coming here and putting so much emphasis on writing the thing. Like I said before, I've never felt 100% at peace with everything. There are still quite a few I don't knows left in the picture.

Leave it to Ron Swanson to clear things up, and to remind me that it's not always about what looks the best on paper, or the path that will give me the most to show for at the end of it. Sometimes, the doubt and the uncertainty and the fear all play a part in reminding me that what I'm working toward is real and raw and hard, more so than the safety nets and comfort zones that half-assing has to offer me.

---

For those of you unfamiliar with Parks and Recreation, I highly recommend it. It's one of the only TV shows I watch, full of consistently hilarious episodes, zany plot lines, and witty characters with so much heart. One of my roommates and I have been watching the seasons at night, and even though I've seen the episodes, it's like falling in love with the show all over again. 5 stars from this blogger (whatever that's worth)!

---

In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to fall into the schedule of writing a new post every Tuesday. It was one of my goals this year to start cultivating consistency on the blog, rather than leaving readers unsure of when I'm going to post again. That being said, while I may occasionally post more than once a week, having the regularity and surety of Tuesday will be helpful and beneficial, I think. It also provides just the right length of a break from Yellowtree, while not distracting too much from working on it. Until next week!

i don't always tell you.

The following was inspired by a post of the same title by Rachel Held Evans (read it here, please - it's breathtaking). This is the most raw, unfiltered, vulnerable piece I've ever written, and it's rather terrifying to post. But I've said over and over again that this is a place where you can be yourself - and that has to include me.

So here's a piece of my heart, in hopes that it can meet you where you're at in your journey.

---

I don't always tell you that sometimes when I look in the mirror, it's like facing down a stranger with hints of familiarity, maybe a freckle in the same spot, or a similar twitch of the eye. All I really want to do is break the glass, but instead I just call myself names, like ugly or stupid or nobody likes you.

And sometimes I feel God's peace like a gust of fresh air, and it fills my lungs to the point where I can't do anything but smile and gulp in deep deep breaths because I know he is near.

And other times I try repeating his name out loud, just to remind myself he exists, and it only sounds like I'm taking his name in vein.

OH GOD Oh God Oh God Oh god oh god.

And then I hate myself even more, because what kind of Christian could ever feel this way and still hang onto Christ?

And praying just seems like some watered down way to make talking to myself seem sane, and the Bible is just full of words that get caught on my tongue as they try to escape. Read them, repeat them, scratch them off my heart and smear them onto my forehead. Something, anything to make me feel more alive.

And what do I do when the words that are supposed to be living and active, sharper than a double-edged sword, actually feel like they're cutting small little slits all over my faith, letting the doubt seep in like the smoke lingering after a fire?

I don't always tell you about these cringe-worthy moments, the ones not exactly suitable for a cleaned up and polished blogspot site.

Or a cleaned up and polished Christian, for that matter.

If those even exist.

And so I'll go for a drive, because I like taking long drives with God just to be with him, and we won't say much at all. I'll play a few songs and look up at the sky, usually sunset, and be reminded of how beautiful this life is all over again.

And this is faith, not always feeling and not always knowing, but continuing to show up in spite of it all.

For God is more than a good feeling in my stomach, a quiet voice in my ear, a cardboard pattern in my mind. He's more than the boxes and verses and how-to's of faith. He's more than my doubt, my questions, and my anger, jumbled up fear that wracks my brain and my soul.

He's here and he's present and he just keeps showing up.

So I guess I will, too.

layers and links: volume three.

"6 Reasons to Stop Everything and Be Inspired Today" by Glennon Doyle Melton.

"While the news shows us the loudest acts of evil from a few - the masses go about quietly doing good. Trying to take care of each other. Making sure that in our immediate and global communities, as often as possible - Love Wins. So, without further ado... I bring you today's GOOD NEWS, brought to you by our friends at CWS." 

"The Fire Girl Speaks" by Shelby Grosser.

"Recently I have experienced a frustrating amount of cat-calling and inappropriate statements from men in my city. None of these have been of a threatening nature, but nevertheless it's rather infuriating to be regularly objectified. One day in particular I decided to let out my frustration into some poetry. Thus emerged The Fire Girl Speaks. It's a bit of a spoken word piece, so perhaps I'll record it at some point, but for now, here are the words."

"When Prayer Becomes Control" by Cindy Brandt.

"We imagine alternative situations not with dogmatic certainty, but with hopeful possibilities. We don't pray against diseases, tragedies, and pain, we call forth new ways of living in spite of suffering. We pray not to explain the why, but to discover the how. We pray with song and dance. We use our voices and bodies to move with grace, to inflict beauty in a world of pain. Prayer creates space and expands room for all expressions of love."

"When Words Fail" by Benjamin Moberg.

"Art drew the pool of my mental energy to one corner of my mind, the artsy part, and in that move, it left the anxious and depressed parts to starve in some dark corner. It was an escape from life because, yes, sometimes you just need to escape for a season. And in that escape, in that wordless season, I unknowingly found God. I can only see him there in retrospect."

"the necessity of little w weddings" by the beautiful due.

"TIL DEATH DO US PART.
There's big D Death, the one
thought of when vowing
during the big W Wedding.
But equally vital are the little d deaths."                                                                          

in which i formally accept emma watson's invitation.

Emma Watson launched the new HeForShe campaign by delivering a speech on gender equality to the United Nations that earned her a standing ovation.

You can watch a video, as well as read the full transcript of the speech here.

As time has elapsed and more people have responded, I've had the chance to read and research many different views and reactions to her speech - both positive and negative. Taking the time to listen is usually a wise step during discussions, and I now can see some of the flaws in several parts of her speech that I once considered perfect.

For an article that brought up some extremely valid critiques and challenges, check out Black Girl Dangerous' post here.

So, while I definitely wouldn't say I agreed with everything she said, I do still believe that she had some beautiful, poignant, and challenging words to say in calling both men and women, girls and boys, to come together in unity and work toward gender equality around the world.

1. Feminism does NOT equal man-hating.

"The more I spoke about feminism, the more I realized that fighting for women's rights has too often become synonymous with man-hating. If there is one thing I know for certain it is that this has to stop. For the record, feminism by definition is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. It is the theory of political, economic and social equality of the sexes."

Yes, yes, and YES again. For I too have known so many people that have equated the f-word with nothing but negativity - images of women rallying against stay-at-home moms and degrading men and holding onto some delusional idea that supremacy of one sex over the other somehow means equality. But just as there are radicals in every religious group and every political group, so are there radicals in feminism that have somehow managed to steal the spotlight and convince some that they own the stage, that there is nothing more to feminism beyond them.

And that's just not the truth, it's not the whole picture; it's a split second shard of an even greater story, one filled with justice and grace and hope for a better future where men and women can stand side-by-side as partners and equals. This is the beautiful goal feminism strives toward, even when it's slowed down by the haters and the extremists, the radicals and the backlash.

Now, I feel like it's become a rather controversial thing for men to identify as feminists, but I'm tired of beating around the bushes. I don't hate my own gender, nor do I value one gender over the other. Here's what it comes down to for me:

• I believe that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities.
• I believe in the political, economic, social, and may I add spiritual equality of the sexes.
• I believe that both men and women are created in the image of God, and should be free to lean into their God-given gifts regardless of gender. 

I guess that makes me a feminist. Or maybe a Jesus Feminist (Sarah Bessey unpacks this term in her phenomenal book of the same title). It's because of him that I believe what I do, after all. It's because of the way he treated women in a society that demeaned them, like they had infinite worth and potential and beauty, like they were finally free and could breathe again (I'm sensing another blog post to expound on this... but that's for another time).

In the end, however, associating with the f-word is not the point. Like Watson said, "If you still hate the word, it is not the word that is important. It is the idea and the ambition behind it, because not all women have received the same rights I have."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

2. Gender is a spectrum, not a coin.

"It is time that we all see gender as a spectrum instead of two sets of opposing ideals. We should stop defining each other by what we are not and start defining ourselves by who we are. We can all be freer and this is what HeForShe is about. It's about freedom."

In my Gender Studies course last semester, we talked about the Age of the Enlightenment, and how the idea of binary opposites really began to emerge during this time. Seeing that women used to be seen as a deranged and deformed version of men (resulting in the idea of just one sex), the Enlightenment saw a shift in that gender was treated like a coin - men or women, one side or the other, black or white, either/or but never and.

This is also when we started seeing other binaries become associated with the sexes, such as that of emotionalism and rationalism. Women were seen at the end of the emotional spectrum, while men dominated the rational end. Most of these haven't gone away today, either. I still hear them thrown about consistently, especially the emotional/rational one. I've heard too many people say that women aren't capable of leadership because they're too emotional.

But I have something to say to that, for whatever it's worth. That argument just doesn't quite stand up on its own when faced with someone that doesn't fit neatly into either end of the spectrum. The black and the white don't seem nearly as polarizing when a shade of gray gets mixed into the palette. It's hard to say that being emotional is for women when a grown man breaks down and sobs, opening up his heart and being vulnerable because it's a HUMAN thing to do, not a feminine thing to do. It's hard to say that being a rational leader is for men when one of the best leaders I've known and worked for in the past is a woman. Again, this doesn't make her any more of a man or any less of a woman - it simply makes her her, with her unique gifts and strengths that lean themselves toward leadership.

Watson hits the nail on the head with these few sentences. In order to gain true equality for the sexes, we've got to stop seeing gender in such black and white terms and start creating space for the grays and the blues, the pinks and the yellows, to paint our understanding with glorious watercolors. Like she said, it has to be about freedom, about dancing in the beauty of who we are, rather than trying and trying and trying to squeeze ourselves into cardboard boxes and pre-made roles.

In the end, no matter how we roll the dice, we just aren't very cookie cutter. Thank God for that.

3. Working toward gender equality has to include men, too.

"Men, I would like to give this opportunity to extend your formal invitation. Gender equality is your issue, too... We don't often talk about men being imprisoned by gender stereotypes but I can see that they are."

The issue is for all of us, just as equality is for all of us.

We're all held back by some sort of stereotypes and assumptions.

We're all in this together.

And I know it's cheesy, but when you strip away the rhetoric and the flashy language, that's really what she's saying. We're all in this together.

And it's so True.

For me, it was reading an essay in 11th grade english class on stay-at-home dads and realizing for the first time that they actually exist. It was having certain people look down at my work as a nanny because I wasn't as nurturing as women. It was taking the longest freaking time to open up about my insecurities and my fears, scared that people would just tell me to 'man up' or 'get over it,' as I've heard people say in the past. It was having people try to convince me to join the National Guard just like my sister did, because "now she'll be able to beat you up" and "you should follow in her footsteps," like I somehow needed to be threatened by her strength and bravery and determination and valor. It was getting called 'weird' or 'gay' or 'asexual' for loving singleness and not wanting a romantic relationship at this current stage in my life. It was all the times I've heard people tell other guys to "man up" when all they really needed was a hug.

And I'm just one person. Not only that, but a person with a tremendous amount of privilege. The plight of so many women across the globe is alarming and disturbing, as Watson poignantly pointed out when she said that, "my life is a sheer privilege because my parents didn't love me less because I was born a daughter." The international impact of gender inequality is astounding, and worth reading and learning about (see my starter list below). I always take a step back and have to sit with it for a while, often times with tears and prayer, after reading about international gender issues. I realize how fortunate I am to have been born where I was born, as a white male, to parents who loved me and cared for me. I didn't have control over any of these things, and yet for some reason, I was still afforded the privilege of all of them.

This often leads to a whole lot of, WHAT THE HELL, GOD? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PAIN AND INJUSTICE IN THE WORLD? WHY IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO JUST PLUG MY EARS AND NOT BE AFFECTED BY ANY OF IT?

Seriously. The truth is, I've been afforded the luxury of being able to close myself off and not have to worry about that many justice issues, if that's what I wanted to do. And it's easy to acknowledge these truths and nod one's head and affirm such facts as important. But this post isn't just about a speech. It has to be about more - about speaking up and taking a stand. The work is going to be long, it's going to be sweaty and challenging and painful and scary. But I have to believe that beauty will come through taking that next wobbly step forward, through opening up spaces to listen, and lift up, and learn, and through realizing that standing by and doing nothing only adds to the injustice.

If you're interested in taking the next step forward with me, here are a few of my own suggestions:

1. Do your research. Spend some time listening and learning, educating yourself not only on national issues, but international ones. Go to your local library and dedicate a few hours to reading, whether it be online or in books. And don't be afraid to sit with it for a while, to question and pray and grieve and yell. Don't know where to start? Maybe check out the book below:

• Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn
• This is a challenging, informative, and often times heartbreaking look at the inequality facing so many women worldwide, filled with personal stories, dedicated research, and very practical ways to join in and help work toward equality.

2. Learn about, and possibly support, different organizations. There are actually quite a few awesome organizations out there that work consistently for gender equality, whether it be in the media, the workplace, the church, or society in general. Consider supporting one (or two or three) - whether that be financially, with prayer, or with time. 

• Catalyst (www.catalyst.org)
• An organization dedicated to expanding opportunities for women and business. Like HeForShe, Catalyst acknowledges men's role in this issue as well, letting them know that they have a critical role to play in creating inclusive workplaces.
• Christians for Biblical Equality (www.cbeinternational.org)
• CBE published my "man up" article back in May, and one of my classes was actually blessed to have CBE's president, Dr. Mimi Haddad, speak in our class for a day. They are doing incredible work in churches worldwide, striving to equip Christians to use their gifts to build the Kingdom of God regardless of gender, race, or class. There are so many ways to support CBE, it's not even funny. And if you live in the Minneapolis, MN area, consider interning for them!
• Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media (www.seejane.org)
• Remember step #1 back there? This website is the place to go if you're looking to educate yourself on female representation in the media. Geena Davis has created a fantastic organization with an easily accessible website to provide data, curriculum, statistics, and research on women and girls in media.
• The Representation Project (www.therepresentationproject.org)
• Another extremely informative and courageous organization that challenges sexist media and works to create social change. The Representation Project also tries to provide very practical steps to take to be a part of that change - sometimes something as simple as tweeting a message or posting a link on Facebook! I signed up to become one of their Social Action Reps, which is another easy way to stay informed, involved, and aware (make sure to check out their "Take Action" tab).
• HeForShe (www.heforshe.org)
• I couldn't forget the movement that inspired this blog post. Check out this website to learn more about the movement, take the pledge, and spread the word to others.

3. Talk to people. It's crazy how receptive and open I've found people to be when it comes to talking about this kind of stuff. Don't make it a conversation laced with hidden agendas or a secret goal to change someone's mind. Simply talk to them person to person, eye to eye, about what you've been learning and what you've been thinking. From my experience (which, honestly, isn't a lot), I've found that most people are willing to rally around something as important and overwhelming as the abuse of women, or the objectification of people, or the maternal mortality rate across the globe (just a few of the things that gender inequality affects). So don't be afraid to speak up for fear of causing friction or creating divisions. This is important stuff, and nothing's going to be done about it if it's not brought into the light and exposed, where we can see it and work together to help change it.

4. Pray. For those of you that pray, I ask you to lift up this issue in prayer, to saturate it with redemptive words of healing and power, asking God to be so very present in the lives of those affected by gender inequality. 

Pray for God to work through meek individuals and small conversations, the grass roots movements that are rising up to bring restoration to the broken and bleeding. For all the women that go missing every year, for the women with fistulas ostracized from their families and left to die, for the women, girls, men and boys sold into sex trafficking, for the high rate of young adult male suicides in the UK, for all of the ways gender inequality imprisons, threatens, and sometimes kills - pray for God's intervention. For his Holy Spirit to rain down Peace, Light in the darkness and Truth in the Lies. May we be ambassadors of reconciliation, working and striving and walking together toward shalom, the Beloved Community where the table is open and all are welcome. 

Pray for God's Divine Presence.

---

And now, to anyone reading this - what ideas do you have? What books or websites should I add to my list? Post a comment or shoot me an e-mail, I'd love to hear!

Thank you so much for the invite, Ms. Watson. I formally accept your invitation. How about you?

learning to breathe beyond the hometown.

It's been rather quiet over here the past few weeks.

Quiet on the blog, to clarify. Outside of that, my life has actually been pretty loud. And it's even felt like a bit of its own cardboard world, what with the moving boxes and all.

I decided to move to Duluth several months ago, but it was just recently made into reality, something I wasn't actually prepared for. I've never lived beyond my hometown, and while I know I'm a late bloomer at this whole 'moving out and away' thing, it still has been quite the transition learning to navigate an entirely new city. And by that, I mean learning to drive on funky-crazy roads, applying for jobs like a madman, trying to create some semblance of a writing schedule (...about that), and getting used to waking up and not having classes. Seriously. I think that last part has been the hardest, getting over this idea that I'm somehow more lazy or irresponsible for not having homework, but learning instead to plant myself and flourish in this current season. Because it will only be for a second, and then the seasons will shift; on toward another spring.

But I'm learning to love it here, I really am, and each day feels more and more like I'm where I'm supposed to be, even when I don't have it all figured out. Most days I still fall asleep with more questions than answers.

Isn't that just how life is most of the time?

I decided halfway through last semester that the intensive loads of homework didn't allow ample time to work on Yellowtree. I realized how passionate I had become about pursuing the craft of writing and specifically about finishing Yellowtree and trying to get it published, and yet had no time to do anything about it. None of my time spent writing ever felt peaceful, as there was always one more paper due, one more assignment to finish. You're never really done with schoolwork, you know? Which is kind of the point. It's a continual experience of learning and doing, working hard and then working harder, which I absolutely love. I still fully intend on returning to school after this next year to immerse myself in that process all over again.

But for this year, this season, it feels right to take some time to step away from the rush of the college environment, look around with wide eyes, and find God in new spaces. For I feel him so clearly when I'm writing, when I'm plugging away at a new chapter or a new blog post, and it's like breathing him in with each word sprung to life. I know God lives in the cracks and crevices of Yellowtree's sentences, and I get so excited thinking about having the time now to fully engage myself in the labor of taking what I've written and throwing it through the ringer a couple billion times.

This is the work of writing, and I'm so unbelievably excited.

Slowly, but surely, it's being woven into the daily rhythm of how I live life, like a muscle being trained and stretched, not all at once, but diligently over time.

There are still quite a few I don't knows (which I'm learning to be okay with, if you've read my last post). I don't know where I'm going to work, if I'll find a job sooner or later, where I'll go to church, or if I'll have success driving these perilous roads during the harsh winter. I don't know if I'll find Yellowtree a publisher, if this year will pan out like I'm hoping, or if it will end up completely crashing and burning.

But I do know that God is with me, that he's just as present here as he would've been had I gone back to school. I know that living in Duluth is like living on the freaking ocean, and that I feel closer to myself, to God, and to others when I'm breathing in the fresh air of a wide open space such as this. I know that I'm rooming with one of my close friends, and that there is so much joy in the small things, the day-to-day things, the simple living life things that help me feel like more whole of a person. I know that it is possible to wake up every morning and choose Love over hate, gratitude over complaints, and trust over fear.

The things I know aren't as clear cut or solidified as those that I don't. But spreading throughout all of them is something hopeful, something that tells me to keep walking forward and to keep on trying, with wobbly steps and shaking skin, to live in that place where there is no fear, there are no lies. To hold onto a childlike faith, those big open eyes that experience old and new things alike with the same kind of unfiltered excitement and joy. To take the time to slow down, look around, breathe in deep, and maybe learn something about the world while I'm at it.

Yes, this is my fresh air, and this is me learning to breathe it.

---

UPDATE: Part of having increased time for writing also means increased time for cultivating consistency on the blog. I do plan on falling into a routine and setting up a weekly schedule for posting that doesn't leave people guessing as to when I'll post next. This will be challenging, but I believe it'll be a healthy step forward. Until then!

layers and links: volume two.

I've decided to include a post of layers and links toward the end of every month, at least for now while it's getting started. I figure I'll start small, with right around five links in each post, and see where it takes me. These are just a few of the articles that have impacted me this month.

"Be Still" on The Work of the People.

This is a short, absolutely breathtaking video that leads the viewer through a contemplative prayer, based on the verse, "Be still and know that I am God." The imagery is gorgeous and the prayer so very restful and relaxed. Let the Spirit speak into you with Light and Truth and Love.

"I Raise My Hands: A Prayerful Response to Ferguson" by Osheta Moore.

"Today, I raise my hands not to worship but to pray for the community of Ferguson and the families of Mike Brown, Eric Gardner, and John Crawford. Today, I raise my hands. These holy hands made holy to do the holy work of reconciliation in this sin-stained world. I raise my hands and ask God to redeem the violence, redeem the suffering, redeem the heartbreak in Ferguson."

"We have to see justice as part of discipleship and ultimately... our worship of God" by Eugene Cho.

"Just like we shouldn't extract the character of 'love' or 'grace' or 'holiness' from God's character, such must be the case with justice. People often ask me, 'What's the most critical part about seeking justice.' My answer: We must not seek justice by live justly. Justice work and just living are part of our discipleship. Justice contributes to our worship of God. Justice is worship."

"What the Church & Christians Need to Know About Suicide and Mental Health" by Ann Voskamp.

"The real Jesus turns to our questions of why, why this sickness, who is to blame - and he says it like a caress to the aching; "You're asking the wrong question. You're looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here." (John 9:3 MSG)... "This happened so the power of God could be seen in him" (John 9:5 NLT). That's the grace touch of Jesus: The dark is not your fault, the dark is not the heavy night that weighs the worth of your soul, the dark is not about blame. The dark is about bravely being a canvas for light - about courageously letting your dark be a canvas for sparks of God glory, a backdrop for ambers of mercy in the midst of your fire."

"Querying Literary Agents: My Story" by Jackie Lea Sommers.

For all of my writer friends out there - this is an extremely informative article on the journey to becoming a published author! Jackie walks readers through her story of the intense and dedicated amount of time she took to research agents, write a query letter and send them out to over 100 people! While overwhelming for me to read as a wannabe-published-author, it was also encouraging to have a soon to be published author come alongside the rest of us with words of life and truth!

intertwined building blocks of friendship and marriage.

If you couldn't tell from previous blog posts, I really like friendships. The concept to me is mind boggling and glorious and beautiful, but it's even better when it's lived out and felt, really really felt. I think part of the reason I find it so stunning is that there is no power struggle in true, authentic friendships. Both are equals, walking through life side-by-side, able to look at each other eye-to-eye because it's not about who's better or who's leader, but about how each person can better serve and love the other. I wrote in one of my previous blog posts,

"It's a beautiful parallel system that God created here - friendship isn't only about one person learning all about another. It's about two people coming to terms with their identities, together as friends, but also as individuals. We often learn the most about ourselves by learning about other people."

I see this all throughout the Bible, especially in one of my favorite passages, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, where two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help... A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Back-to-back, side-by-side, helping the other stand up when they fall down, bare their soul, and their heart still feels a little shaky.

For I've lost track of the number of times I've heard people say that true romance and true marriages are built on friendship. I've heard that if friendship isn't the rock solid foundation of romance, the relationship is pretty much doomed to fail. If the concept of mutual, life-giving friendship isn't at the center of a romantic relationship, it seems rather forced and dull. Romance has to flow naturally from a place of authentic love (1 Corinthians 13), of the desire to honor the other as above yourself (Romans 12:10) and bear their burdens alongside of them (Galatians 6:2). That's something required of us as Christians in general, not just as romantic partners.

So I get confused when I hear people bring up terms like "male headship" and "authority," "leadership" and "roles," when discussing the elements of a biblical marriage. Like when Candace Cameron Bure states, "It is very difficult to have two heads of authority… When you’re competing with two heads, that can pose a lot of problems or issues" (Bure, Huffington Post). And Bure isn't the only one who holds this opinion. I've heard similar statements from various people in my life, convinced that a solid marriage needs a leader in order to avoid power struggles and chaos.

Yet no one preaching on friendship would ever claim that one friend has to be the servant leader, and the other has to submit. No one would claim that friendships digress into nothing more than chaotic power struggles if one person isn't put in charge. I'm guessing authors such as Candace Cameron Bure wouldn't post interviews on why she submits to her best friend.

Why? Because friendships aren't contractual. Christ-like friendships are about doing life together. They're about side-by-side community, about friends leading in their strengths and submitting out of love, not because the submission is demanded or forced upon them by Scripture, but because it is a natural outpouring of loving someone as you love yourself. That kind of love isn't just used to describe marriages - it's the same kind of love used to paint the picture of David and Jonathan's covenantal friendship, where Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself (1 Samuel 20:17).

Here's what I'm saying: I don't think there's one right way to DO marriage. Something as holy and mysterious as the marital covenant can't be reduced to a set of rules or roles or several bible verses taken out of context. Just as I have seen many glorious marriages based on mutual submission, so have I seen marriages with the man as the head that are still radiantly beautiful.

At the same time, I think the 'headship' and the 'leadership' language starts to sound more and more like an employer-employee relationship, a business leader and an administrative assistant, rather than a husband and wife one-flesh bond of love and unity. Since when did Christ become not enough as the head of a relationship?

Authentic friendships don't leave room for hierarchies, for static leaders and helpers, for legalistic rankings of authority. And from what I've come to learn so far, neither do marriages. With Christ as the head, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, become one in Him, taking turns leading and helping, showing weakness and showing strength, because in Christ there is no fear. There is no shame. One is not pigeon-holed into a specific role, but allowed the space and fluidity to grow into who he or she is in Christ. 

God is constantly creating us into beautiful things; beautiful things that are organic, not forced or hurried, beaten down with never enoughs and just not theres.

And for most of my life, I've heard sermons preached on marriage that only left me feeling restricted, like it was nothing more than a cardboard check list of dos and don'ts, impossible standards with no room to be afraid and vulnerable and simply HUMAN. But I've also heard those same pastors talk about friendship, about David and Jonathan and Ruth and Naomi, about carrying each other's burdens, and it was like breathing in fresh air that felt FREE.

Now before you go off saying I'm scared of commitment, let me tell you that I only felt this way because I continued to box off marriage and friendship as two completely different concepts. Because that's how they're often talked about, right?

"Oh, they're just friends."

I still catch myself saying this now. Just friends, like the friendship is either ten times less than a romantic relationship, or a simple stepping stone leading to eventual marriage.* It's easy to paint marriage as the mountain top experience of all relationships, often times diminishing friendship in the process.

But that's the thing - marriage and friendship aren't in competition. They aren't two separate concepts on opposite sides of space, racing against each other to cross the finish line.

They're often interconnected and intertwined, constantly intersecting to reveal a breathtaking paradigm of mutuality. It's a paradigm where both are equal and Christ is the head - one that most are quick to allow into friendships.

And if friendship makes up the building blocks of healthy romantic relationships, wouldn't that same paradigm carry over into marriage?

*For more of my thoughts on platonic, male-female friendships, read my post here.

reflection (guest poem by terry mcannany).

Here is a quick, rather quiet, but awfully beautiful guest post for today. I grew up going to church with Terry McAnnany, and she wrote the following poem as a reflection on my own poem, keep walking. She sent it to me through a private message, but the imagery and lyricism was so striking to me, that I asked her if I could share it. Take fifteen seconds and give it a read - let her words of peace soak in and linger.

---

reflection

now, through a glass, darkly
and then, face to face
your own heart still beating revealing
the    s  p  a  c  e    wherein lies the hope
so perfectly placed in the seed broken open
to breakthrough to Grace.

the walking, not done
- yet always complete;
His rest, His plan, His love
our feet.

layers and links: volume 1.

Seeing how I haven't had too much time up at camp to write consistent blog posts, I thought I'd open up the floor to some fantastic articles I've read this week. I hope you're able to gleam something from them - I know they sure caused me to take a step back and really think about what I had just read.

I've only posted five, because they're all just SO good, I don't want the list to be overwhelming or exhaustive. Seriously, all of these need to be read slowly, taking time to let the words sink in and MEAN something.


"What My Heart Breaks Over" by Shelby Grosser.

God took us as orphans and gave us a Father, gave us a brother, gave us a forever family for all eternity. We are called to righteousness, and ought to be eager to everyday look more and more like our Father, to be a part of His business. God is in the business of making orphans no longer orphans, so you should be too.

"A Christian perspective on transgender people" by Justin Lee.

It's not your business or mine what she looks like under her clothes, and gender is way more complicated than that anyway. All you need to know is that she is a human being, created and beloved by God. Whether she chooses to share more of her story with you at some point is entirely up to her. If she does, listen. If she doesn't, just love her the way Christ would.

"We Need Feminism..." by Rachel Held Evans.

Because in the time it took you to take a selfie with a sign declaring that the world doesn't need feminism (about four minutes) two more American women were sexually assaulted, nearly 100 American women were abused, four women worldwide died giving birth, eight little girls were trafficked for sexual exploitation, and 6,781,920 people looked at naked women online.

 "You Don't Need More Talent or Time" by Glennon Doyle Melton.

What moves us are artists who show us that our shared, ordinary human experience is special enough.

 No talent? Good, that's one less thing that might distract us from your message. Art is not for the talented; it's for the honest.

It's for folks brave enough to show us who we are and kind enough to love us anyway. 

"I Missed The Memo On How To Relate To God When Living In Sin" by Grace Sandra.

Now that I'm not living in sin anymore, I feel like a sitting duck. Vulnerable. My heart and hands are busy fussing and fidgeting like someone used to driving a stick but now getting cozy with a manual. It feels like I should be able to fall back in line from living in sin almost immediately. As if knowing exactly how to relate to God would somehow take care of my idle hands and heart.

 I'm thinking I'll have a guest writer up next... currently trying to work on a longer blog post, so we'll see how long it takes me to finish it up. Remember to join this site through the column on the right of this page.

Until next time, peace to you, friends...

the romantic cardboard pedestal (guest post by jamie miller).

I am so incredibly excited to introduce Jamie Miller to my blog! Jamie is a grammatical genius, hardcore editor of my novel, trained emergency medical responder, and Natural Resource Management major. A rebel against stereotypes and society’s expectations, she is one of my closest friends who is literally one of the bravest and strongest people I know. We met through working at camp together for five summers in a row, and I asked her to write a guest post in light of my previous posts on singleness and marriage – this one focused on dating. Jamie has been dating Jason for well over a year now, and has some beautiful things to say from the heart. She is a radical follower of Jesus who works out her faith with fear and trembling. Read her words and be inspired – I know I was.

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You are reading my words here on Anthony’s blog because he requested a guest angle from someone in a dating relationship, so it would be easy to assume that I have assembled a list of relationship advice for you newbies out there. Try not to assume.

Ready? News flash! No one can tell you what’s best for your relationship, the exact qualities and habits you should look for in a significant other, how the timing of milestones should play out, or how best to communicate with your romantic partner. There are a lot of helpful and edifying resources out there to help with communication skills, keep you out of trouble, and suggest fun things to do together. But here’s a thing Jason has helped me to recognize: just like every person’s life is their own experiment, so are their significant relationships. We’re all just making it up as we go along! (that’s the secret to adulthood, by the way)

I would temper that statement by acknowledging the wisdom of those who have tread this path before us. Our lives are vastly improved when we let people we respect and trust speak into them. For example, people who have been married for years have a pretty good grasp of how to listen to one another and work as a team, and it would be foolish to disregard their advice for the sake of figuring out dating on our own terms. It’s also important to factor in the opinions of those who loved you first when making a decision to be with someone, since they know you best.

That said, I stand by this statement in relation to all healthy romantic relationships: anything anyone says to you about how to run your relationship is *advice*, not the hard-and-fast rule. Because every one of us is different. You can’t put the All-Important Romantic Relationship up on a cardboard pedestal, expecting it to work exactly the same way for the whole spectrum of rainbow-watercolor-people (can you tell I’ve been following Anthony’s blog??).

Now, being the Singles Power (!!) advocate that I am (I could write another entire post all about the benefits of embracing singleness as a Christian), I can’t help but take a moment here to try adjusting that pedestal a bit for you. Although I’ve been in a rather serious romantic relationship for over a year now (and I recognize that’s not very long in the grand scheme of things), I still believe that friendship—done right—can be the best kind of relationship of which humans are capable. There are a lot of things that complicate romantic relationships that simply aren’t an issue even in the most deep, committed, loving friendships. And, while I’m open to talking about it, I am pretty certain that people can find the same kind of fulfillment and lifelong joy in a dear friend as they might find in a husband or wife.

Where were we? Ah, yes, Romance.

I believe that the best romantic relationships are built on friendship. No, I’m not saying that you should always be best friends first. (Sorry, those of you who think best friends falling in love is *the* most romantic thing on the planet. It’s not.) What I am saying is that I believe that the foundation of any kind of love is true friendship, whether you strike that up in the very beginning or if it is formed over time. It’s integral to relating to others in a loving way. Friendship is evidence of your decision to love another person regardless of how much you do or don’t like them at the moment.

When it comes down to it, you have to make your own rules. Some of the ones I’ve found to work with Jason and I are as follows (I refuse to use bullet-point formatting, so that I can continue to refute your assumptions): Talk about the awkward things. Don’t be afraid to bring up uncomfortable topics—often, that’s what you need to move deeper. Friends are important!! Recognize each other’s strengths and weaknesses, reacting accordingly—good teamwork matters more than fitting gender roles or expectations. Always take into consideration the comfort level of others when the two of you are together, so that they feel welcomed into the space you’re all sharing. Love languages matter. Be honest (always, and about everything). Don’t hesitate to have conversations about God with each other, or about each other with God.

And while you’re doing all this talking and figuring-out-of-life together, be prepared for misunderstandings. Something I learned during my years of working at camp is to always extend the benefit of the doubt. Try to figure out what the other person really means before flying off the handle—you are two completely unique individuals, after all, so it only makes sense that you may think or communicate in different ways.

There are some other aspects of living and loving that we’ve figured out together, but I’m not going to share them, because any time someone tries to give you specific advice—kiss after x number of weeks, set up a coffee date every Saturday, always buy her flowers, Netflix dates don’t count (they totally do!)—take it with a grain of salt. It’s probably what worked for the advice-giver, but don’t let it pressure you: it doesn’t necessarily apply to your unique identities, and the way you operate together. Do your best to love one another, follow Jesus, and find a healthy balance between work/school/friends/alone time/sleep/whatever else it is you do with your time.

Oh, and ladies: your man is not the boss of you.

Peace, JM.

quiet sundays and punch-to-the-gut tuesdays.

My sister's going into the National Guard.

Sunday came quietly, like usual, slipping under the radar with a Sabbath morning of rest and glowing sunshine. And my close friend and I gardened, we dug our hands into the soil and planted basil and sunflowers and perennials that refuse to fade away. And we talked about redemption and beautiful things like that, feeling God's Peace as we sowed our seeds and watered them with life.

This morning came quickly, like a punch to the gut. Sister's about to ship out, and I'm still miles away, sending her off over voicemail with tears in my eyes.

Because Sister will always be Little Sister, no matter how old she gets or how far away she travels.

Because Sister is strong, stronger than most people think, and I just know she'll pull through. Because she falls down, she gets knocked around and told she can't do it, that military police is no place for her, and still she keeps on standing up. There's determination in her eyes that colors the world she sees, a world with walls and hurdles. But they're walls to be climbed and hurdles to be jumped over, and she'll do it, by the Grace of God she'll do it.

Because Sister's faith isn't cardboard or static, it's this raw heart stuff that is constantly being molded and shaped by God, even when it wrenches and twists and yanks. I know she clings to Him with bleeding hands, and it's because of this that I know she'll survive. She'll thrive.

Because I know she feels this is the path God has laid out so clearly for her to walk. And no one can call that fake or call her bluff. So I slip behind her in support as she steps forward with baby steps and lots of nerves but SO MUCH TRUST. 

Because I can't wait to see her again, to lift her up in my arms and look in her eyes and see the many miles she's traveled, the long days and short nights, the weariness and the victory, all of the watercolors that make up her beautiful heart.

Because I want this to also serve as a reminder to lift her up in prayer, to saturate her with words of peace and protection from all around, from the moment she ships out to the day she returns.

My sister's going into the National Guard.

cardboard-cloud-gods and wispy-floating-fears.

I start work at camp for the summer in about a week. While I've worked at the same camp for the past four summers, this will be my first year working as the sole assistant manager. My job will probably consist of some weird mix of administrative office work and outdoor maintenance work. And while I'm definitely excited to be back in my second home, nestled among towering pines and a quiet quiet lake, I'm also pretty nervous.

With more power comes more responsibility (didn't Spiderman say that?). In my opinion, with more power also comes more FEAR.

I've been nervous about different aspects of each summer for the past four years, and every single time, God has worked something beautiful and glorious and Light-filled out of it. Whether it's been subtle embers-like change or fiery and explosive change, God has continued to show up and be present and be Love in the midst of my tangled-up-fears and insecurities.

At the same time, it's exactly because God has always pulled through that I'm tempted to forget about this summer. To effectively 'surrender' it up to God by letting go, not thinking about it and reassuring myself that it will be good no matter what because GOD IS GOOD.

Maybe if I scream it loud enough, I'll be able to hear it.

Back and forth, back and forth, a dance I've learned to do with God, jumping between fretting over my fears and forgetting them (i.e. pretending I've suddenly overcome them). There's never any in-between or balanced middle ground - just me shifting precariously from one end of the spectrum to another.

I've been focusing a lot on the name Emmanuel recently. This idea of God with us. Whenever I hear that, I get a picture of God walking with us, holding our hands and taking real small steps as we stumble along and do our best to move forward. It's like he can choose to bolt ahead and leave us in the dust whenever he wants, but chooses to slow down out of the great love he has for us.

And it's striking to me because God isn't some distant deity up above in the sky. Whenever I think about surrendering my fears to God and slipping into my state of ignorant bliss, I have this image in my head of relinquishing my fears upwards, like they float up to the sky and disappear somewhere among the clouds where God can search them and sort them out later.

But according to Emmanuel, God is HERE, he's right now and right next to us, walking with us on this journey. 

So I'm trying something new this summer. I refuse to let my fears control me, to let them seep in with their darkness and fill me with self-doubt and anger. At the same time, I refuse to forget they exist, to simply surrender them up to the sky and pretend like I'm okay because God works everything together for my good. I refuse to keep twisting that poor verse to fit my selfish desires for comfort and safety.

Here I am, I can see my fears and the nerves I have for the added responsibility and leadership that will come with this summer. They're right here in front of my face and begging me to open up. I'm pouring them out and acknowledging they exist, shining light on every crack and crevice within them. My fears seem to lose so much power when I recognize them, when I can see them with all their complexities and keep on looking.

Here I am walking with God, side-by-side, holding onto his hand that Never Lets Go. I'm standing in his grace and inching forward with painful steps, ones grounded in real trust and vulnerability, not cardboard-cloud-gods and wispy-floating-fears.

And those fears may take a while to go away, they may cling to me like glue for the entire summer, but it's easier to fight against them when I actually know what I'm fighting against. Because if God is right here, if he really is walking with me and spurring my footsteps on with his power and might, then I can cling to him like the fears cling to my skin.

I know that God will work this summer together for my good. I know that something beautiful will come out of it, that things will never be as nerve-wracking as I make them out to be, and that I'll probably over-exaggerate every single fear I have.

But I'm done using that as an excuse to close my eyes, plug my ears and pretend like God's the only one walking down this path. I'm walking forward in Truth, not ignorance. I'm surrendering my fears to learn to Trust, not forget. To me, that sounds like an awfully better way to walk in Love, and to walk in Peace.